Caught in the Crowd
by browni'dbrunette
Summary: Severus gets a letter on Halloween 1981 hours after Lily has died


All over London witches and wizards were waking up to start a new day singing the praise of the infant who stopped the Dark Lord. The reign of terror Lord Voldemort held for so long came crashing down the previous night when after turning his wand on a child, just one year old, his spell backfired and caused him to die. Many were unsure if it was a proper death, but that didn't stop the drinks from flowing and the new era of light to begin. There had been so little good news in past years that people were willing to take his death as fact at face value and celebrate.

Severus Snape was perhaps the only wizard in all of England who felt no joy when he awoke. He hadn't moved from his bed since he got back into the night before. How could people celebrate when she was dead? After leaving Godric's Hollow he had gone straight to his home and sat down on his bed. There he stayed, downing drink after drink, until he passed out. He hadn't meant to sleep, he was certain it would be disastrous because each time he so much as blinked he saw her lifeless body. However his minds wish to stay awake was overridden by his body shutting down as a defense mechanism to be sure he didn't poison himself with an excess of alcohol.

There was a split second when he woke up, before he opened his eyes, when he had forgotten. Most people don't remember that millisecond when they have to take stock and remember who they are and what happened the day prior, but he did, it was in this second for the final time that he thought maybe everything would be alright. It was cut short by a quick concise tapping on his window. He didn't want the Prophet this morning, he would ignore it and the owl would leave. He couldn't see her name in print finalizing it.

He opened his eyes and began to drink again immediately. He had begged Albus to save them, he had risked his life and put himself in the debt of a self righteous old man in vain. He would have gladly given his life in exchange for her safety but knowing that he would never be a free man again along with the fact that Lily was gone was too much for him to bear. The owl kept tapping, giving it up as a bad job and realizing that the beat was making his head pound he slowly forced himself to get up and walk to the window. Taking another long drink he put his feet on the ground.

"I don't know how to do this" he cried silently. How was he supposed to live in a world where she didn't exist? He had accepted long ago that she would never be his. Those first few years at Hogwarts he was sure things would change. He day dreamed of the day they would graduate and would be able to spend time together freely without judgement or retribution from the Gryffindor house. Even after he had smeared her name by calling her a Mudblood he thought maybe things could change. He was a self proclaimed pessimist but even after she was married he held out an ounce of hope.

He had accepted that he would never hold her hand or touch her face as he softly kissed her lips. She had a child with someone else and he realized she never would have had his children anyways. Nights spent dreaming of her romantically and sexually made it obvious to him they would never have a relationship.

But never isn't truly never until you're dead.

Grudgingly he slid one foot in front of the other, he didn't honestly lift them being aware that not only would that exert more energy but that if he did he may fall over. He put one hand on the wall as he inched towards the window, thankful that the blinds were drawn and not looking forward to the harsh light of day to spill in when he dismissed the bloody bird who had made camp outside of his home.

When he opened the curtain his breath caught in his chest, his hands began to shake and he was certain he was going to pass out. Hovering in front of his window was a small snow white owl with flecks of grey in her wings. He'd seen this owl several times before but never had he received mail from its beak. The owl that had brought Lily Evans mail at Hogwarts for the last five years she attended was outside of his home carrying a small piece of parchment.

Hastily he pulled open his curtains further and flung his window open causing the small crack that had been residing in the bottom of it for years to spread. He let the owl fly into his home and carefully removed the parchment from its foot. The tell tale swirl in the S's of his name name caused his stomach to drop and his heart to leap into his chest. Not since his birthday second year had he seen such care put into the calligraphy of his name.

On one hand he wanted to savour this letter and never open it, knowing that when he did he would have nothing more to look forward to in his life. He would never again see his name in her font, and what if it said the horrible things she'd been thinking for years? How could he live with that as his final memory of her. But he couldn't not know. This was probably one of the last things she did in her life if Lily had honestly mailed it herself, he had to know.

Tenderly he flipped the envelope open, tracing his finger along the lip where she would have licked it closed. He brought the envelope to his nose praying to a God he didn't believe in that a hint of her scent would be left. It certainly had a scent, women's perfume with traces of men's cologne and several other things that a home would smell like. His heart broke as he realized of course it wouldn't be the same scent he was used to. Several years had passed since she lived in her childhood home, washed her hair with lavender shampoo, and ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches twice a day.

He couldn't hold off any longer, he had to know, even if it killed him.

_**October 30th, 1981**_

_S,_

You hurt me, I found comfort in you as a child when my sister turned her back on me, and when I was no longer yours alone you intentionally tried to cause me pain. However I'm starting to see that if we look at a score card of our friendship I have hurt you much more deeply than you could me. Instead of listening to your apologies and trying to stop you from turning to dark magic I watched as my friends tortured you. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were unkind and cruel, while I am not responsible for their actions I am responsible for my own and for that I'm deeply sorry.

I was young and caught in the crowd. I didn't know then what I know now, I was dumb and I was proud and I'm sorry. I know there is too much bad blood between yourself and my husband, I've also heard rumors that you and Luscious are now living under the orders of Voldemort, despite these things I ask your forgiveness. You have chosen your path and I've chosen mine, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and maybe ask forgiveness from those you have wronged. Life is so short Severus.

_L_


End file.
